gaga pearls

Hospitals.

I can't wait for the day when I can finally spend more time at home than in a hospital. Lolo's getting better. He didn't undergo the operation at the Philippine Kidney Institute anymore, I think the medicine worked for him. Still, I am uncomfortable. I'd rather they zap the things plaguing him right out. But I'm no doctor. The only medical experience I have is Trauma Center on the DS, and First Aid Training from way back when. Trauma Center weighs more, but whatever.

I got back from the hospital around an hour ago. I have a five-page paper to write for Fil, and a Lab LT to review for. I feel like crying, because I'm so tired. The mind is willing but the body is weak. I haven't slept properly in days. I haven't felt like myself since this year began. I had so much hope for myself this year, 2010 was going to be a more awesome version of 2009, but I'm just so tired. I am so glad, though, that February only has 28 days this year. Four more days until I am free of this accursed month. Too many bad things happened this month, and they happened one after the other. A domino effect to my emotions, I'm beginning to cave.

How am I supposed to do the things I am supposed to do when I am not supposed to do them?

My parents still expect me to cough up good grades. I still expect me to cough up good grades. Lord, 3.0 is all I'm asking. I learned what I needed to learn this trying, testing month, and I swear I won't screw up this royally ever again. Just let me get through this sem with a shred of dignity, please. I don't have the patience to pick up both my personal and academic life.

WWJD: What Would Janeway Do?

Janeway would change the fucking timeline, that's what!
owl

Topsy-turvy.

That's what my life has been for the past three weeks, topsy-turvy. February has not been kind to me. In five days, this month will be over. I'm glad. The craziness of my life reached its peak last Wednesday, and if anything wilder than that happens, I will collapse in on myself and create a vacuum.

I've tried very hard to separate my academic life from my personal life, and it's been working well for me up until recently. January was challenging but February is just stubborn. It's been one trial after another, and I've resigned myself into being a regular, non-DL student. I've lowered my aspirations to a QPI of 3.0, but even that seems unattainable. I've burned myself out too quickly, that's what I did. I need to pick up the remnants of my broken self and see if I can make collages with them.

What should I do with my life now?

I'm not going to my 7.30am class later. Sorry, Zoo. I need to sleep away my depression and self-pity. I'm going to drag myself to PE so I can spar out my frustrations, or get frustrated by my sparring, whatever. Then, I'll go to Math.

I have so much schoolwork to catch up on. This past week has been a blur of tears and sleepless nights, of prayers and shaking voices. I feel so trapped. The stress of January seems so minuscule compared to my current state of emotional turmoil.

I swear, I will be better soon.
owl

I think I got stupid.

I don't remember being this dumb last semester. Why is it so hard to process things now? Is there something wrong with my memory? I've been having trouble retrieving things - I learned in Psych that the problems with memory are about retrieval and not retention. We have all that information in our brains, but we just can't get it out. - and when I do remember things, I remember them incorrectly. What's up with that?

I'm also so much lazier this semester. It's not that I am no longer motivated. I feel like a deflated balloon. There's still something there, but it's not enough to fly. The aforementioned is to blame. I want to succeed, but I don't think I can (anymore.)

Since when was I stupid? I don't think I'm stupid. Is my ageism and defeatism combining into one big loser complexism? I'd rather be bad at everything than be half-baked. At least, if I really were stupid, I'd lose all hope and life would be simpler. But having a little flame gives me a little hope, and that little hope refuses to be extinguished and that just complicates everything.

I have been stuck in a rut for a while now. No, I'm not all-powerful or invincible or a superhero. Maybe finally admitting it will put me on the road to recovery, or whatever else comes next?
owl

Hi LJ, I've missed you.

I miss LiveJournal. I was in Xavier Hall, waiting to be fetched, and I saw this girl surfing the internet and it warmed my heart to see that she was reading an LJ friends list not a Tumblr dashboard. Idk.

I am so swamped with work, it's not even funny. I have so many obligations to attend to, and I'm neglecting them because I am first attending to myself. It's selfish but it's true. I coop myself up in the library every bleeping day, all by my lonesome, studying or reading or writing or whatever else studious students do. I seem very industrious and goal-oriented, but I'm not. I'm really just trying to keep my head bobbing above the water, so I don't drown and give up.

There's something wrong with my attitude, my general aura. I can't pinpoint it, but I can feel it. The dominoes I've carefully arranged into intricate patterns are falling apart prematurely and in the wrong direction. It's so frustrating. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I hope I can fix it soon.

This weekend, I will
[ ] Upload pictures to Facebook, from my block's exposure trip and the EnLit class we had under a tree.
[ ] Update my Project 365. I have backlog since the 24th.
[ ] Tally and tabulate the survey results for my research paper. What kind of shitty web did I weave myself into by choosing this kind of topic? Too much thinking!
[ ] Read the cognitive psychology books, again for my research paper. Stupid, stupid me.
[ ] Outline the research paper.
[ ] Make a reviewer for next week's Psych LT.
[ ] Find people to interview for that crazy Psych project.
[ ] Pray like a sorry little bitch. Because, I kinda am. Huhuhu.
[ ] Watch "Sa Tahanan ng Aking Ama?" I really want to!
[ ] I just remembered, reviewer for the Zoo LT. Why is everything happening so fast?
[ ] Sort all my papers into an expandable folder.
[ ] Buy an expandable folder.
[ ] (reserved space for as of now unannounced task)
[ ] (reserved space for as of now unannounced task)
[ ] (reserved space for as of now unannounced task)

Thank God there are no classes on Monday. Really, thank you, Lord.

My pride is bruised and my ego is hurt, and it's really, really, annoying. I know it's trivial, but I can't help it. You know how you don't want something, but then you begin to want it because someone else (or others) want it too? So stupid, but so true. I can't help it.

I must keep my eyes on the prize and not be distracted by shiny things on the sidelines. I must stay focused. I am capable of so much better than this. I know I c--

Zzzz.
owl

Another year.

January: The rules are that for 8 days, you have to post something that made you happy that day.
February: Alexa, Pia and Toni were in my house today.
March: Magis has recently become my favorite expression slash running joke.
April: I was at the parlor, getting my hair blown out for Gaby's debut, when I overheard two girls talking.
May: I never made a formal blog entry about what transpired one week and two days ago.
June: This is my first sem at the Ateneo. ♥
July: I am confused beyond reasonable doubt.
August: I haven't been very interested in the world of Pullips for the past few months, especially after my Obitsu fiasco.
September: I had a moment during English class.
October: Mom: What are the latest hit games for the Wii?
November: I've decided to keep track of the books I've read so far this year here on LJ.
December: Hayy.

So this year didn't make much sense, but I enjoyed it anyway. I hope you enjoyed your 2009 too. Happy 2010! Go surprise yourself. :D
owl

Update.

• Zoology Lab Long Test
• Zoology Lab Experiment Sheet
• Zoology Lecture Activity

• Psych Long Test
• Filipino Editorial Second Draft
• Filipino Compilation of Descriptive Quotes
• Lit Personal Survey Homework

I've read a lot for my Psych long test, bit by bit for the past few days. I don't want to revise my Fil editorial because it's just horrendous. I'd rather rewrite it with a different stance, but I'm so lazy. I also have to compile some descriptive passages from songs and books, but I'm so very lazy. And I think the survey for Lit is kind of suspect. HAHA UGH.

Christmas break is so close, and yet so far. One day more!
owl

Brainmelt.

Hayy. My brain is shutting down and entering holiday hibernation mode. My good consciousness is telling me to fight it out and accomplish my requirements, but the pressing need for sleep is yelling, "AHHH F IT!" in my ear.

It's not the days left in school that I'm grumbling about, it's the amount of workload I have 'til then. The past two or three weeks have felt relatively chill for me, or maybe I just had more vigor for my academics. Sometimes, it feels like I'm fighting a losing battle. I keep on falling asleep in Zoo. Not only is it early in the morning, but it's so boring. I can't imagine any of the processes, there's no visualization for me. Just white text on a black slide. For a visual learner, it's an endless zone-out. I fall asleep in Math sometimes, but only because my class is always during siesta time, from 1.30pm-3pm. Ugh. @.@

The following things are keeping me from my Christmas break:
• Zoology Lab Long Test
• Zoology Lab Experiment Sheet
• Zoology Lecture Activity (tabular presentation of the similarities and differences of mitosis and meiosis and a flowchart of the mitosis and meiosis process, typed here for my personal reference)
• Psych Long Test
• Filipino Editorial Second Draft

The requirements for Lab can be officially crossed out by tomorrow. I'll try to do my readings and flash cards for the Psych LT and my Zoo Lec activity/take-home quiz during my long breaks and tomorrow evening. AAAARGH.

I'm going to hole myself up in the library tomorrow. HURRRRRRRRRGHHH.