LJ is the place for musing, internal sem-conflict and word vomit. I haven't felt the need to do that until today.
It's my third day as a Lit major (!!!) and I can't believe I'm saying this, or even thinking this, but --
I miss LM.
Whoever said being a Lit major was easy had no idea what Lit majors actually do. It's crazy stuff. As I read my Lit126.2 syllabus, I thought, "Wow, Accounting and Law seem so much more doable compared to this." With Accounting and Law, and let's generalize this into all SOM majors entirely, it's really easy to go through the motions of study as a mere technicality, working with objective, robotic-like proficiency. You don't need heart to balance some numbers, and while one can be passionate about the law, it's not a necessity.
The study of literature, however, is different. I believe there is a large degree of emotional investment involved. We're here in Lit because we "love to read" and this is what we "love to do", and that love for the written word is a fueling force behind our studies. But what about those times when your heart just isn't in it? Or a piece leaves you unmoved, uninspired? What then?
Being in SOM, I'll admit, has dulled my senses. I'm not as eloquent as I was before. Not saying that I was ever eloquent in the strictest definition of the word, but the right words are harder to come by now. My essays are succinct and straightforward, sometimes even terse. I've forgotten the art of description, of languorous wordplay and writing something because it's pretty.
I'm glad I shifted out when I did, who knows what would've happened to my aesthetic sensibilities had I stayed on longer. But, I can't help but miss it. I didn't like it, but I was good at it. I did my job and I felt like a competent little robot and that made me happy, or whatever it is that business students feel. The operative word here is not robot, but competent. I felt competent. And even in the aspects that I wasn't competent in, I used my major as my excuse. I don't like what I'm doing anyway, so I can fail at this or that and not feel guilty.
As a Lit major, I don't have excuses anymore. I'm supposed to like what I'm doing , I have no excuse. I have an excellent line-up of teachers, I have no excuse. I have no excuse!
It doesn't help my self-esteem that I have Th121 this semester. My teacher is cool, but I find myself with my mouth open, wanting to speak but not wanting to make mistakes. I'm so intimidated by the subject, I've practically pysched myself out. It's crazy. My Theo class is my security blanket right now. I'm with LM majors, my friends and familiars. I look forward to Theo classes with them, but why, why am I unable to speak up?!
It's only the third day. I haven't found my rhythm yet, but at this rate, I better find it soon.
I don't love myself and it scares me. I don't hate myself, either. Not really, or not entirely. I used to think that I was a very secure individual, but I don't know who or what I am, so what is there to secure?
I just want to stop for a moment, step out of the boundaries of my person, and reexamine myself.
Dear Trisha, this is your horoscope for Thursday, July 8th:
You will have no desire to stay at home and will find any excuse to get away from your duties. At work, you won't want responsibilities; in fact, if you can, you'll take a day off to relax. In Love, you'll know how to demonstrate the intensity of our feelings; you'll be particularly delicate and will try to support your beloved's initiatives.
Dear Trisha, this is your biorhythm for Thursday, July 8th:
Today your intellectual level is 68%: you will be able to put yourself forward and propose yourself with discrete success in work. Your physical level is 99%: you can use your energy however you wish.
Your emotional level is 27%: today it is advisable to postpone every discussion, even with friends!
I went one month without posting on LJ. That shouldn't be surprising, but I'm surprised myself. I guess that must mean I was more or less comfortable in my skin during the month of April. I run to the solace of my cobwebbed LJ when I don't want to rant without being judged. Haha!
LJ's more conducive to thinking, too. I've been doing a lot of that, the whole reflection and introspection thing, but I've tried to contain that on the off-white pages of my underused Moleskine. Sigh. I need to be more creative. I used to be more creative, but now I am a shell of my former ass hat self. If I ever had a personality, it'd be all but gone now.
College makes me happy, it really does. I enjoy work. I trudge through my academics much like a worker ant, and I enjoy my org work immensely. I work with a song in my heart and a smile on my face, and they're genuine. All the feelings I feel and portray to the world are genuine, so I don't have any of that kind of drama in my life. I am a happy person with the occasional cloudy days, but more often than not, I am happy.
I am happy, but I'm not sure if that's enough. I am at that point in my life where I am looking for joy.
To Get For My DS
1) Pokemon HeartGold/SoulSilver
3) Infinite Space
4) Ace Attorney Investigations: Miles Edgeworth
5) Bejeweled Twist
6) Call of Duty: Modern Warfare Mobilized
7) Lego Rock Band
8) Drawn To Life: The Next Chapter
9) Cooking Mama 3: Shop and Chop
10) The Wizard of Oz: Beyond The Yellow Brick Road
11) Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days
13) Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars
To Wait For
1) Dementium II (Due: April 18 2010)
2) Lego Harry Potter (Due: May 4 2010)
3) Prince of Persia: Forgotten Sands (Due: May 18 2010)
What else should I add?
[x] Fil12: Final ARP - It turned out really gross, but whatever. What's passed is past.
[ ] Fil12: Biographical Essay I didn't get to this anymore. I'm short one major paper requirement, so that will definitely hurt my grade. If I have time today, I'll try to do this anyway. Late is better than never.
[x] Bi9: LT4 - Sir P checked it right after I took it. I got 82%, not bad for someone who just read through the powerpoints the night before. My final grade in Zoo is a B, and I'm just thankful that it's over.
[x] Lit14: Final Paper - Introspection at its finest, where I decided that, despite or because of all the crazy, I actually liked Lit14.
[x] Ma11: Final Exam - In a word, nakakabobo. I wish I did better.
[x] Psy101: Final Exam - It was departmental. I am so glad I read the earlier chapters of the book because a lot of what came up were old material. I had a nice process of going through the test. Without the final exam, my current standing is a B+, so I'm hoping the results of my final exam will just either maintain it or raise it up.
[x] En12: Reflection Paper - Surprisingly, more reflective than it should've been. Cheesy, man.
[ ] WORKKKK NO I DON'T LIKE. BUT FINE.
[ ] En12: Final ARP
[ ] En12: Eulogy
[ ] Fil12: Biographical Essay
[ ] Library: Return borrowed books.
[ ] Library: Pay printing fees.
[ ] Fil12: Final ARP
[ ] Fil12: Biographical Essay
[ ] Bi9: LT4
[ ] Lit14: Final Paper
[ ] Ma11: Final Exam
[ ] Psy101: Final Exam
[ ] En12: Reflection Paper
[ ] WORKKKK
[ ] En12: Final ARP
[ ] En12: Eulogy
Dividing the workload into daily chunks makes this mountain seem surmountable. I know what my priorities are, now to get to work! One last push!
Nothing of local or international relevance happened on that day, except that I was born, and I have yet to be locally or internationally relevant. Hayy.
I have to write an autobiographical essay for Filipino, in Filipino, about the day I was born. As with any standard autobiography, an life-changing event is relayed in indulgent detail, followed by a reflection on the impact of this event in life today. This wouldn't be so difficult if I could remember the experience myself. And this was due last week. I've been struggling with this for the longest time. GAHHH. D: